-Originally posted 10/12/2016-
Last night didn't go as planned. But how many of them do when you have kids? It took me over two hours to get my children to sleep. Our (semi) peaceful, structured 30-minute bedtime routine turned into an 180-minute scream fest. Our one-year-old cried hysterically every time I left his room, with no recovery in sight. I tried rocking him, singing to him, rubbing his back, and even laying in the crib with him. But the second I left, he turned into an active volcano. Tim wasn't home to help with Adeline so I had to factor her in too. She couldn't fall sleep amidst the screaming and was confused about all the back and forth. When Lincoln finally succumbed to sleep I felt like a failure for all the chaos that I couldn't soothe.
With quiet in the air, I needed a minute to relax from the intensity of the last couple hours, or "brain dump" as my husband says, so I watched a recording of This Is Us. Are you hooked too? As I watched last night's episode I earnestly felt for Mandy Moore's character; she's a brand new mom trying to parent three babies! One of the babies is adopted and she was struggling to bond with him as she dealt with the loss of one of her triplets. As someone who desires to adopt a child one day, I was emotionally invested in some of the choices she had to make regarding her adopted child. Were they the right ones? Would I do the same? What is in the best interest of the child? When will it be the right time in our transient, military lifestyle to adopt? Will my husband eventually feel called to adopt as well? So much for the brain dump--I felt even wearier.
Aside from the adoption factor on the show, I was deeply moved as I watch Moore's character try to comfort and appease three babies. After tonight's bedtime debacle I was left wondering how in the world I would ever be able to balance another child. Lincoln needed my presence to fall asleep last night, and Adeline needed me to comfort her throughout all the screaming. What will I do when our third child needs me too? Yep, you heard that right! We're having another baby!!! I'm truly elated about this pregnancy and excited to meet our third child, one who God has intricately created with a divine purpose. Before the beginning of time, before Tim and I began praying if this was God's will for our family, before we decided to try for another baby, God planned and loved this child.
So, now you can factor in my surging hormones in the evening's mix, on top of unpleasant nausea, and first trimester exhaustion--the perfect combination to create a weary mom. (I had hyperemesis gravidarum with both my previous pregnancies and I'm praying this one is different!) Later in the night, Tim and I had a discussion about a reoccurring issue that we can't seem to agree on how to resolve. He approached me lovingly, but when you're pregnant I don't think that matters. Not by his intent, but I felt misunderstood and defensive. Before the night was over, Tim led us in prayer and his thoughtful words left me in bewildered tears. Ladies, you know the kind--the ones that come suddenly and you're not even sure what you're crying about. His sweet prayer? Our disagreement? My feelings of failure in comforting Lincoln? Feeling like I couldn't properly be there for Adeline? Wondering how I'm going to be fully present for each of our three children? Concerned about my health moving forward? Or just being eight weeks pregnant? A compilation of it all I suppose.
As I proceeded upstairs in secret tears, I walked to my son's room to pray for him. I pray over our children each night before I go to bed, laying hands on Addie since she doesn't wake and placing a hand on Lincoln's door since he is a light sleeper. When I got to his room all I could muster was "Help me feel sufficient." And over Adeline, "Help me be sufficient for her." That was it. I couldn't pray another word. It was all I had left. We want to be the perfect mother for our children. But we can't. We're not perfect. However, I find comfort knowing that God chose me to parent these two (now, three) children. He chose me for them and them for me. He supplies me with me everything I need to love and lead these babies. Sometimes, sufficient needs to be enough. When I finally fell into bed, I wrote this prayer. For me. For you.